Coping with Grief
It was national grief awareness week from 2nd to 8th December 2021, run by The Good Grief Trust.
I was going to do a few social media posts, but then didn’t do them. Part of me stopped for my own reasons and part of me had so much to say that it was too much for 1 small social media post. Instead, I’ve decided to put some words down here on my blog.
Then I stopped halfway through writing the post and now we’re in September 2022, and the death of the Queen has raised the topic of grief to the surface again. There is a general collective grief (for many it’s a conflicted and complicated grief), which in turn has also brought around their own personal grief from their own losses and looking at social media this has been complex and complicated.
Grief is such a unique and individual emotion and experience, and honestly I can say that it never fully leaves you.
It can change and it can ease, but it never really goes away.
That sounds sad and miserable, but it isn’t always and I’m not sharing this because I want or need pity, because I don’t. I guess what most people who are grieving find they need is not be ignored and not to have other people treat your grief as an inconvenience or annoyance.
You may be shocked or surprised to hear that this happens, but it really does and often from sources you least expected it from.
I can only write this post from my own perspective, and your experiences may be totally different to mine.
What I’m really happy to see over the past few years are more people being open on social media about their feelings and their grief and loss, because before it was something our older relatives were advised to keep inside and private. And I hope that in reading other people’s experiences it helps more people, I know it helps me when I see social media posts describing exactly what I feel.
Five steps of grief
You might have heard about the 5 steps of grief, which includes:
- denial
- anger
- bargaining
- depression
- acceptance
When reading about this it makes it sounds like a 5 step programme that we follow step by step and then if we do it all correctly and after we reach the end it will all be “normal” again. Sadly, that isn’t how it is.
These 5 grief steps/emotions are what remain with you and they can come in any order at any time, even years later.
Some of the first emotions you can feel can be related to how the person you love has died – in other words, was it sudden and a shock, was it from disease, their age etc. I’m not saying the grief is reduced if you know that the person will die soon, but the order of your feelings and depth can be different.
Also, even years later the depth of the feeling you have (whichever one of the 5 steps it is) can be intense and sudden and feel almost like you did when it first occurred and this can be triggered by the most unexpected things like a smell or a passing thought.
For me, since the age of 3, I have lost far too many family members, friends and neighbours throughout my life and this includes my older sister, dad and all 4 grandparents (2 of whom helped raise me).
I saw the term “grief elder” used on Instagram recently to describe someone like me who has gone through multiple losses and layers of grief.
Having been through it before doesn’t help if you are faced with it again, and in fact can sometimes make the existing hole bigger.
My emotions/feelings can vary constantly and sometimes without realising it my behaviour or thoughts are because of the grief that I’m suddenly feeling about someone again. The loss can hit hard suddenly and at unexpected times and feel completely new and fresh again. It's so complex, that often I don't realise for days that this is what I'm feeling or the reason why I'm in a darker mood or behaving the way that I am.
There are people who are very fortunate and have not really experienced this sort of loss in their lives, and as such they do find it difficult to understand or empathise. Majority will still speak to the person in grief and support them, but you will find that there are people who suddenly disappear. It’s due to either them feeling embarrassed about the feelings you have or them not knowing what to say or how so they think it’s best they don’t do anything. I’ve known friendships to break over things like this.
Others have that attitude of, aren’t you over it yet? Or, Isn’t it time you started socialising again, it’s been long enough?
Honestly, I’ve had all of the above and more said to me or done to me in the last 5 years at least and from people I thought who would always be there to hold me up.
I did spend too much time feeling upset, angry and disappointed about this and couldn’t see why. However, over the years I’ve come to possibly forgive/forget this after a long time of not staying in touch with them. And what I didn’t do, and maybe I should have, is to tell them how I felt and why.
Equally, I found people who I least expected to be the most supportive and empathetic and even though they hadn’t experienced the same or didn’t know what to say they still were present. Just even the little WhatsApp message saying hi, what are you doing and hope you are ok? Or do you fancy meeting up? Even if I wasn’t up for meeting up at that moment just knowing that someone is thinking about you really helps.
What can you do to support someone grieving?
These are just a few points taken from Mind about how you can help. Below I’m also linking some professional sites with more information.
- Acknowledge the loss and don't avoid contact. It's understandable to feel uncomfortable speaking about death or other losses, or to worry that you might say the wrong thing, but staying silent or not contacting somebody after their bereavement can often make feelings of isolation and sadness worse. Reaching out to the bereaved person so that they know you are available to talk and listen if they would like to can be incredibly helpful.
- Consider how best to be in contact. There are different ways to grieve and there are different ways to communicate after a loss too. Receiving text messages may be easier for somebody to manage than returning calls. Dropping in to see them in person may be welcome for some but may be an inconvenience for others. It is worth asking the person what they'd prefer rather than making assumptions.
- Give them space. Not wanting to spend lots of time with other people or feeling guilty at not acknowledging messages could be an additional burden for a grieving person, so it can be worth letting them know they can respond whenever they feel able, or simply send them a message to let them know you are thinking of them and that no response is needed. Adapting to life after a loss can take a long time and people should be allowed the space to process their emotions for as long as they need. It is useful if you can strike a balance between contacting them so that they do not feel isolated but also giving them space. Again, asking them what they need is a good idea.
- Talk about the person who died. When a person dies it can feel like they are erased from people's memories. While you may fear that talking about the deceased person will just bring up painful feelings, many people actually appreciate the opportunity to talk a bit about the memory of the person, finding this a comfort and a way of integrating the memory of the person who has died into their life, rather than pushing memories away. "What's your favourite memory of [the person who has died]?" or "Tell me about a time [the person who has died] made you laugh" can be useful.
- Focus on listening. Try to respect what the bereaved person is choosing to share with you and focus on listening rather than finding out more. Give the bereaved person space to open up if they want to, while also being sensitive if they would rather not take it further.
- Focus on the bereaved person. Try to keep the focus on the bereaved person rather than coming back to your own feelings about the loss. Unless you have your own experience of bereavement it may not be helpful to make comparisons with your own experiences.
- Help them seek additional support. Supporting someone who is bereaved can be hard work and it is worth exploring what other options for support are out there. If they are ready and interested, help them explore additional support options.
What grief has done is help me re-focus and view experiences and people differently.
I appreciate my friends and family more, I appreciate what I have rather than what I don't have.
I also understand that everything can change suddenly and that there is much out of my control (I am quite a control freak most of the time). I have learned to adapt fast, even when I find it difficult to do so.
A kind word or a smile to a stranger doesn’t seem like much but could make a whole lot of difference to the person on the receiving end. I know that it all helps me.
“I am not a victim of my life
what I went through
pulled a warrior out of me
and it is my greatest honor to be her”
- Rupi Kaur